Thursday, January 27, 2011

And what if I'm not trying hard enough?

      I'm back, lovelies. I had a shitty until dinner last few days. I always pull it off great until dinner, because I am always eating with SOMEONE. Family, boyfriend, friends... And it's not even about looking suspicious because I am not eating enough, it's more about not being able to help myself, seeing all of those people eating abundantly.

      I really need to find a way to control myself at dinner. It really is the only problem during the day, and it is enough to fuck up any plan for losing weight. I haven't lost since last time because of this. I really have NO IDEA what to do to get rid of this. Help?

      College has been really fun so far! At least something positive. Sincke I've changed programs, I only have five classes (instead of eight!!) so I can take it easy. Yesterday I had no classes at all, which is awesome cause I can sleeeeeeeeeep. Tuesdays I have French Litterature and Art History classes. Later today (at noon) I only have Philosophy. Then tomorrow I only have part 2 of French Litterature. So I,ve been having fun at school, I have a couple of classes with friends which is great. Eating at school is incredibly easy. I mean, I really don't eat all that much. First of all I actually forget to eat, and second of all, the food is disgusting, and nothing is vegetarian. Thanks, cafeteria!

      Anyway, I am starting school at noon, so I'll have a small breakfast, probably granola, strawberries and yogurt all mixed up (soooo good) And then I'll try not to eat until dinner. If I have to, fruit.

      My great dane puppy is snoring and it is the most adorable thing, girls.

      Lots of love,

             -Abigail xox

Sunday, January 23, 2011

You've changed, you've changed, you've changed, your mind's been rearranged

      Yeah. These last days have been so-so foodwise. Like, normal. Like what a normal person would eat. I don't like normal, normal is lame. So, anyway, tomorrow I'm starting school once again! Quite excited I must say :) I'm a bit scared of what it will do to me, all of the work and the changing schedule, what it will do to my daily plannings and how I eat. It seemed quite easy until now to eat little, since on vacation I would wake up around 12h00. Yeah, lazy ass, I know. Oh well.

      So I'm planning on eating only fruit until around noon (eating only fruit for breakfast and not eating anything else until lunch is apparently paradise for your level of energy during the rest of the day, so I shall try). Then I will have a small soup, and around dinner I will try having only a plate of salad. Snack wise, only fruit is allowed. This may sound much to some of you stronger girls out there, but I'm only at the beginning and I really have to take baby steps so I don't suffer a face plant...

      Toms is Badminton at 8h00, followed by English Litterature from 10h00 to 1h00. Then I am done! Nice day isn't it:) That gives me plenty of time to study and exercise.

      Lots of love,
            -Abigail xox

Friday, January 21, 2011

Je veux juste ĂȘtre comme toi.

      Hey girlies.
 I'm at 138,7 this morning, yay ! Down of about a pound. Ok ANTM is starting cya haha.

      Fuck I'm pissed off at myself. I can't get my mind straight. It's like every minute of every day I change my mind about my body. Sometimes I accept it as it is (those are exactly the moments when I intend to eat) and then I am completely discouraged while looking at thinspo and Lookbook. I hate myself so badly for not being in control. I want it soooooooo bad, to be thin, and I have to stop dreaming of it and make it happen instead.

      I want this, I want this terribly. I've been wanting thin since I was 13. It's been four years, and all I have done is gained, except for like a month during which I lost ten pounds. I want to prove to my entourage that I am capable of being responsible and in control of my life.

      When I was thirteen I would speak with my two best friends, well, they would talk together and I would listen, when they would talk about clothing, fashion, beauty, body types... These friends are both tiny and super-thin. They are naturally like this and also have a great control over themselves. They work out to stay fit and have good grades. I would never quite fit in with these two, I would always just listen and be envious, horribly envious. I hate myself so so so much right now, for not starting before, for being the ugly girl, for being the outcast within a world of beauty-filled minds in which I am not included. I'm sick of it all, and I want to be part of it, for once.

      It's time for me to start working for it. Really hard. I want to stop doing nothing and regretting and start working and being proud. I want to be a worthy person. This is not only about portraying a certain image, it's also about being happy about what I am, which I am not right now.

      Toms: B- Yogurt, granola and strawberries mix
                L- Banana, or any as-healthy-as-possible small snack
                D- Lentil shepherd's pie (vegetarian)
         Snack- Any fruit allowed

      Exercise: Usual routine. I want to try doing 15 minutes on the treadmill this time (my cardio SUCKS.) Also, I want to stretch a lot more. So I am giving myself 15 minutes of stretching between my weight routine and my cardio routine to give myself a bit of a break.

      Alright, see you tomorrow ladies! Wish me luck!

      Lots of love,
             -Abigail xox

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Two birds on a wiiiiiiiiire.

      Hello my (for now..) non-existing darlings,

      So I said I would come back for a recap on my exercise routine which I do about 4 times a week. For the weight lifting, I'm talking about gym machines which I don't know the names, but some that work triceps, biceps, quadriceps, calfs, abs, back, etc... And for the calisthenics, it's mostly the same type of exercises but without weights, on the ground: pushups, situps, etc.  Here it goes:

              Bicycling - 6 min = 95,2 cals
                Rowing - 5 min = 47,6 cals
            Elliptical - 10 min = 113,3 cals
           Treadmill - 10 min = 102 cals
     Weight lifting - 30 min = 204 cals
       Calisthenics - 15 min = 59,5 cals
Playing with dog - 20 min = 90,6 cals
   Knitting (haha) - 45 min = 76,5 cals (surprising!)
                  Total: 788,7 cals
     Whole grain bread X 1 = 90 cals
        Tofu spread X 1 tbsp = 30 cals
      Pizza with cheese X 2 = 240 cals
    Handfull of french fries = 240 cals
                  Total: 600 cals
      Net calorie intake: - 188,7 cals.

      So there you go, calorie intake and all. I hate myself for those two pizza slices, but at least I worked out after and I'm in the negatives ! :) Happy me.

      See you toms,
             - Abigail xox

I have a love/hate relationship with Lookbook.

      And I don't even have an account. Thing is, I love it because the looks and the people are so creative and fun to look at. The people are so inspiring, especially since I want to become a fashion journalist. But I hate Lookbook because I am so envious... Horribly envious. Of the 99% percentage of uber-thin girls that are so, so beautiful. And that's why it is my number 1 thinspo website.

      It seems so ironic to me, yet very fitting that I also want a certificate in feminism. Probably not the feminism you think, more about female body image of society throughout the years. I cannot picture myself as having an ED, at all, actually, because I have never been thin. Even at 118 lbs (5'2) I was chubby. I do constantly think about food, calories, exercising, fat, what I look like, etc. I do constantly feel absolutely horrible when I ate too much. It seems like it's all mental, and nothing is happening on the outside.

      Anyway, so today, I had a piece of toast with tofu spread, and then... two slices of pizza with fries. Gosh, kill me. I'll be hitting the gym like, ASAP. I'll probably have no choice but to eat after the gym, which sucks. I have to because I goddamn have hypoglycemia. (you get really dizzy and weak within like 2 minutes because your sugar is too low). I'll try just chugging on some orange juice, maybe that'll help instead...

      So yeah, I'll be going to the gym now !! I'll do my usual routine, maybe I will post it with the calories burnt when I come back.
               -Abigail xox

Monday, January 17, 2011

Here goes.

      First entry of the blog, but definately not a new start! First things first, I've wanted to be thinner since the first time I was ever called fat by one of those mean girls in high school. Being 5'2 and not having the greatest metabolism to start with, it's hard to keep shape.. Right now I'm at my highest weight: somewhere around 142 lbs, my lowest being 118 when I went to Peru and hardly ate anything for 10 days (tourista was my horrible friend...).

      Basically, I really need support, or at least people that read what I have to say so I can stay motivated and get a hold of myself, because seriously, I'm way WAY off track right now. I took the first step by getting myself a membership at the gym, hallelujah. Now I really have to keep reminders to actually go at least 4 times a week, or else I shall attempt to litterally kick myself in the ass... -_-

      I cant wait to read what you all have to say girls. I have done some research at my local library and got some photocopies of books about juice fasting and motivation for weight loss, which are all really interesting and I'm looking forward to posting them online for you :) I hope it will help !

      Alright, tomorrow I shall be going to the gym in the morning and then I'll be leaving for college to get my schedule !! Can't wait to see how much shit I will have to do... Bleh. Foodwise, I need to take it slow for now, 'cause any major change I make under impulse ends up being a disaster. Slow baby steps is the way I'm doing it until I feel like I need to push myself a bit more.

 See you soon,
       -Abigail xox