Why? Because I was gone from blogger.
Because I was just another failure.
But I started on tumblr a couple of months ago and now I decided to reblog everything on blogspot, one by one, copy-paste by copy-paste with pictures and everything. Because I felt like it.
I love you. Bye.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I AM SO SICK OF FAILING. THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT ME. NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF WHATSOEVER. NOTHING. I HAVE NO CONTROL, I AM IMMATURE, I CAN’T SAVE MONEY, I MISS CLASSES, I DON’T DO MY HOMEWORK, I AM A WASTE OF SPACE.
I AM DISGUSTING. SO BE DISGUSTED.
I AM DISGUSTING. SO BE DISGUSTED.
Food. Today I woke up late, around 12 pm, and I had a small bowl of macaroni with tomato sauce. Then, later, I ate three bites of my sister’s bagel.
I went to see my dad and picked up the money he owed my mom and he cried and yelled because we don’t call and he feels like the loneliest person in the world. Then he calmed down and we talked. I was awkward but it all settled.
Then my sister and I went for Chapters to get some books. I got this adorable gold notebook with a black feather in the front page. We came back home and I picked up dinner at my grandma’s which was some fish with boiled carrots and potatoes. I ate almost everything and felt very full so I was proud not to indulge and finish the whole plate, but still felt like crap because I ate alot.
My sister hadn’t eaten dinner yet so she asked me if she wanted to go to the restaurant… I said yes, that I would only have desert. I had too much. I went to the washroom to pee and I just tested my gag reflex, but still being to scared to purge… I kind of made myself nauseous just by doing the mouth shape you do when you puke… Funny eh? I wish purging would be easy and I never got around to it.
What’s also weird is that the waitress, super thin and really hyper, looked and sounded and acted as if she had an ED. She would keep commenting on how our food looked really good, being really conscious about details and everything. Plus, at the end, I said ”can we get the bill please”, and my sister who is stick thin and never gains weight said ”no wait, I want desert”. So the waitress splurted out something like this: ”Oh! You don’t want her to be fat that’s why you asked the bill so quickly haha.”
I recognise these kinds of behaviours now, and it weirds me out as much as it makes me sort of proud…
I’ll go to sleep now. Good night loves, and sorry for the endless rant.
I want to be perfect, I want to walk down the street, beautifully drunken, at ease with some friends, smoking a cigarette, lightheaded, wanted, hugged, picked up by strong arms, making me feel covered by warm flesh all over, because I am so small and fragile
I want long wavy hair running like waterfalls down my back that swing gracefully across my back when I walk across the world, I want wind to blow through it so that those strong arms that held me feel it touching gently their skin, making them shiver of want and desire of me
Because I want to be wanted and I want so much I want so much I want so much
I ate so much today and I feel disgusting. I’m such a failure. I’m in the communications computer place at college and this guy is sitting beside me making these retarded stretching noises, laughing at his facebook page out loud and I’m really awkwarded out cause there’s just us.
I’ve been in school for one week now and I come home after work, sit at the computer to watch skins, and my mom jumps at me: YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO GET SOME GOOD GRADES SITTING ON YOUR ASS? DON’T YOU HAVE HOMEWORK? I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, I WON’T BE PAYING FOR A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD AND FOOD IN YOUR PLATE IF YOU GET SHITTY GRADES FOR WATCHING STUPID SHOWS ON THE INTERNET!!!
First: I fucking get amazing fucking grades every year and she fucking reacts like this every goddamn semester.
Second: As long as I’m in school, you are obligated to pay for my stay at home, mother. Although I can’t wait to GTFO.
My cousin Gabriel, 6 years old, is in the hospital, slowly dying from a type of cerebral infection that no doctor seems to know what to do with. I visited him yesterday and I am in shock. He is a frail, fragile, emaciated thing, looking like those poor african children in commercials, except white. He is covered in bruises, frankenstein-like scars, and has been taken off life support, artificial breathing. He is now on his own until the end.
With every breath I could see his little chest forcing the air in. He is working hard as secretions are accumulating in his lungs. His little gray eyes are active, staring at us, blinking, moving around, focusing while the rest of his body is pretty much paralyzed. I stared in those beautiful eyes for as long as I could before I left.
On the highway home I was sobbing in the car with the music up loud. Sobbing and sobbing, it was dangerous because everything was blurry. But I made it home, and went to cry in my love’s arms. This poor little boy. Although I can’t help myself to think of what he will be missing out on in life, with only six years completed, I am wishing for his suffering to stop as soon as possible. Gabriel needs to rest, after one month of wires and biopsies and tubes and scars and operations.
Now I just feel like thinking of him until he drifts away. But I have to go to work. Reality checks suck.
But plans make me want to not follow them. Plans make me feel like I miss out on the fun impulses bring to my life. Plans scare the shit out of me because I have to say no. I am so immature. Wishing and dreaming without acting.
But tomorrow is a new day. I want to do this right.
On another note, I don’t know what to do with myself. My father has stopped paying for me and my little sister (my parents are seperated) but we have kept contact… a bit. Anyway the whole story is very complicated. Now I have to decide if I face legal aid which is free for me because I’m 18 and a student. I am wondering if I should really bring my dad to court. But he is a manipulator, punishing us for not working for him by not paying pension.
And I feel like a cow. Raped by fat.
Please let me control at least my body.
College is starting tomorrow. Communications here I come. All I am worrying about is what I will look like and if I will look like a whale trying to have style. Have you ever seen a stylish whale? If you have, it must have had a really really pretty face. By the way I want to cry because I loved Jack Layton and now he is dead.
Intake today: too much I am ashamed. Maybe I should actually FOLLOW plans I make. I think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Oops.
The feeling I get from this picture is overwhelming. It’s like I’m in it. It’s morning, around 7 or 8, the world is a dreamy tint of pale blue, and the cool breeze hits her legs in places that make you feel so comfortable, wrapped up in a silk blanket that is the wind.
I want to be there. Right there
But not in a usual, boring, whiny way that I usually feel. More of a complete disgust in myself that makes me want to throw up, disappear, turn into smoke and dissipate. The
I ate a muffin today that’s it and now I’m hungry. I keep walking to the refrigerator and the only thing saving me right now is the lack of easy to make snacks and my lazyness to fix myself something therefore I close the fridge door and walk back to the computer. Thanks, lazyness.
Now I will go take a warm bath.
Yesterday I hung out with my 95-pound friend ( 5’2 ) who is naturally thin like this… Her whole family is naturally thin. She has always had a hard time with this because people at school would call her anorexic. Since I know her, being more than 100 has always been a happy goal for her. But after spending the whole day with her trying on bras in the same changing room in front of the mirror, all I could do is compare.
She is perfect. I am huge. She is beautiful. I look horrible.
I am attending a marriage this afternoon, after working for three hours. I am hypoglycemic, so I have to eat something rich in protein and energy to pass this long day… If I go more than two hours without eating I start to shake, sweat and feel like I will pass out. Doesn’t that suck really bad?
Light, flowy, creamy coloured, sunkissed things make me feel at home. I dream of comfort in simplicity, in nature, in the freedom of not depending on anything. I want to just live in my head, taking in everything around me, being weightless as a free spirit, roaming around a sunfilled world of soft and calm vibes.
I’m 18, living in the north of north america, in college, loving arts and creative writing. I have a lover, a mother, a sister and a Dog. I live in a subburb near a big city, and I just can’t wait to get to live in said big city. Stress from home is overwhelming, and I just want to be with myself and a new pup in my own place, but money is the issue. I have a dad that won’t pay that I love and hate.
I want and I want and I want, I have a need to be filled, but I don’t know what.