Friday, January 21, 2011

Je veux juste être comme toi.

      Hey girlies.
 I'm at 138,7 this morning, yay ! Down of about a pound. Ok ANTM is starting cya haha.

      Fuck I'm pissed off at myself. I can't get my mind straight. It's like every minute of every day I change my mind about my body. Sometimes I accept it as it is (those are exactly the moments when I intend to eat) and then I am completely discouraged while looking at thinspo and Lookbook. I hate myself so badly for not being in control. I want it soooooooo bad, to be thin, and I have to stop dreaming of it and make it happen instead.

      I want this, I want this terribly. I've been wanting thin since I was 13. It's been four years, and all I have done is gained, except for like a month during which I lost ten pounds. I want to prove to my entourage that I am capable of being responsible and in control of my life.

      When I was thirteen I would speak with my two best friends, well, they would talk together and I would listen, when they would talk about clothing, fashion, beauty, body types... These friends are both tiny and super-thin. They are naturally like this and also have a great control over themselves. They work out to stay fit and have good grades. I would never quite fit in with these two, I would always just listen and be envious, horribly envious. I hate myself so so so much right now, for not starting before, for being the ugly girl, for being the outcast within a world of beauty-filled minds in which I am not included. I'm sick of it all, and I want to be part of it, for once.

      It's time for me to start working for it. Really hard. I want to stop doing nothing and regretting and start working and being proud. I want to be a worthy person. This is not only about portraying a certain image, it's also about being happy about what I am, which I am not right now.

      Toms: B- Yogurt, granola and strawberries mix
                L- Banana, or any as-healthy-as-possible small snack
                D- Lentil shepherd's pie (vegetarian)
         Snack- Any fruit allowed

      Exercise: Usual routine. I want to try doing 15 minutes on the treadmill this time (my cardio SUCKS.) Also, I want to stretch a lot more. So I am giving myself 15 minutes of stretching between my weight routine and my cardio routine to give myself a bit of a break.

      Alright, see you tomorrow ladies! Wish me luck!

      Lots of love,
             -Abigail xox


  1. the beginning is always the hardest :)
    don't worry though, i am sure you will get back on track. just maybe try a little bit harder this time.
    think thin, stay positive
    love julia,

  2. Bonjour to you, too, hun!

    First of all, thank you so very much for your comment and for the tips on where to find the shoes of my dreams :).

    Second of all-- anyone you'd ask would tell you the beginning of any diet is the hardest thing you've ever done.. though, if you ask me, I think you've made it through the point of 'wanting' and moved to actually 'doing' something to get what you want. Pure determination will get you very far, you can trust me on that one, love :). You will be beautiful on the outside one day; your inside is beautiful already.

    Your writing is lovely, by the way.
    Hope your Saturday's been nice!

    Lots of love,