And so I just flooded your dashboard with endless updates.

Why? Because I was gone from blogger.
Because I was just another failure.

But I started on tumblr a couple of months ago and now I decided to reblog everything on blogspot, one by one, copy-paste by copy-paste with pictures and everything. Because I felt like it.

I love you. Bye.

Ellen West

Woe’s me, woe’s me!
The earth bears grain,
But I Am unfruitful,
Am discarded shell,
Cracked, unusable, Worthless husk.
Creator, Creator,
Take me back!
Create me a second time
And create me better!

Hi.

 

 

In a year or so, I will go on a roadtrip to meet all of you.

And take a plane or two to meet other gals that aren’t on the american continent.
In a year, I’ll be asking for adresses. Be ready. I promise I’ll do it.

Neil Gaiman

fat/ugly/fat/lazy/fat/huge/fat/unworthy of food

I AM SO SICK OF FAILING. THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT ME. NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF WHATSOEVER. NOTHING. I HAVE NO CONTROL, I AM IMMATURE, I CAN’T SAVE MONEY, I MISS CLASSES, I DON’T DO MY HOMEWORK, I AM A WASTE OF SPACE.
SICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKOFMYSELF.
I AM DISGUSTING. SO BE DISGUSTED.

Endless photo post

Today I am sick.

 

My throat burns my nose runs my stomach hurts.

But I like it. Because I’m not hungry. My stomach wants a break and I’m giving it one.

It's all I think about.

Food. Today I woke up late, around 12 pm, and I had a small bowl of macaroni with tomato sauce. Then, later, I ate three bites of my sister’s bagel.

I went to see my dad and picked up the money he owed my mom and he cried and yelled because we don’t call and he feels like the loneliest person in the world. Then he calmed down and we talked. I was awkward but it all settled.

Then my sister and I went for Chapters to get some books. I got this adorable gold notebook with a black feather in the front page. We came back home and I picked up dinner at my grandma’s which was some fish with boiled carrots and potatoes. I ate almost everything and felt very full so I was proud not to indulge and finish the whole plate, but still felt like crap because I ate alot.

My sister hadn’t eaten dinner yet so she asked me if she wanted to go to the restaurant… I said yes, that I would only have desert. I had too much. I went to the washroom to pee and I just tested my gag reflex, but still being to scared to purge… I kind of made myself nauseous just by doing the mouth shape you do when you puke… Funny eh? I wish purging would be easy and I never got around to it.

What’s also weird is that the waitress, super thin and really hyper, looked and sounded and acted as if she had an ED. She would keep commenting on how our food looked really good, being really conscious about details and everything. Plus, at the end, I said ”can we get the bill please”, and my sister who is stick thin and never gains weight said ”no wait, I want desert”. So the waitress splurted out something like this: ”Oh! You don’t want her to be fat that’s why you asked the bill so quickly haha.”

I recognise these kinds of behaviours now, and it weirds me out as much as it makes me sort of proud…

I’ll go to sleep now. Good night loves, and sorry for the endless rant.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I want to be perfect, I want to walk down the street, beautifully drunken, at ease with some friends, smoking a cigarette, lightheaded, wanted, hugged, picked up by strong arms, making me feel covered by warm flesh all over, because I am so small and fragile     

I want long wavy hair running like waterfalls down my back that swing gracefully across my back when I walk across the world, I want wind to blow through it so that those strong arms that held me feel it touching gently their skin, making them shiver of want and desire of me     

Because I want to be wanted and I want so much I want so much I want so much

Tattoos

Snow

This picture makes me ridiculously happy.

.

I ate so much today and I feel disgusting. I’m such a failure. I’m in the communications computer place at college and this guy is sitting beside me making these retarded stretching noises, laughing at his facebook page out loud and I’m really awkwarded out cause there’s just us.

I love it when the sun is soft enough to hug your skin comfortably and gently kiss your face i love it when the sun is bright enough to blind you so you never want to leave it’s embrace

 

My fucking mom.

I’ve been in school for one week now and I come home after work, sit at the computer to watch skins, and my mom jumps at me: YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO GET SOME GOOD GRADES SITTING ON YOUR ASS? DON’T YOU HAVE HOMEWORK? I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, I WON’T BE PAYING FOR A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD AND FOOD IN YOUR PLATE IF YOU GET SHITTY GRADES FOR WATCHING STUPID SHOWS ON THE INTERNET!!!

First: I fucking get amazing fucking grades every year and she fucking reacts like this every goddamn semester.

Second: As long as I’m in school, you are obligated to pay for my stay at home, mother. Although I can’t wait to GTFO.

I want want want want want want want want want want

to feel cute and clumsy, not thick and sturdy

to feel Shy and mysterious, not rude and loud

to feel like people want to be with me because they think I am cute and clumsy and shy and mysterious, not thick sturdy rude and loud.

Sadness

My cousin Gabriel, 6 years old, is in the hospital, slowly dying from a type of cerebral infection that no doctor seems to know what to do with. I visited him yesterday and I am in shock. He is a frail, fragile, emaciated thing, looking like those poor african children in commercials, except white. He is covered in bruises, frankenstein-like scars, and has been taken off life support, artificial breathing. He is now on his own until the end.

With every breath I could see his little chest forcing the air in. He is working hard as secretions are accumulating in his lungs. His little gray eyes are active, staring at us, blinking, moving around, focusing while the rest of his body is pretty much paralyzed. I stared in those beautiful eyes for as long as I could before I left.

On the highway home I was sobbing in the car with the music up loud. Sobbing and sobbing, it was dangerous because everything was blurry. But I made it home, and went to cry in my love’s arms. This poor little boy. Although I can’t help myself to think of what he will be missing out on in life, with only six years completed, I am wishing for his suffering to stop as soon as possible. Gabriel needs to rest, after one month of wires and biopsies and tubes and scars and operations.

Now I just feel like thinking of him until he drifts away. But I have to go to work. Reality checks suck.

Off to school once more.

Yesterday I forgot how many girls are rail thin at college. And seeing them yesterday made me want to die right there, disappear.
Eat as less as possible.

Plans,Plans,plans.

But plans make me want to not follow them. Plans make me feel like I miss out on the fun impulses bring to my life. Plans scare the shit out of me because I have to say no. I am so immature. Wishing and dreaming without acting.

But tomorrow is a new day. I want to do this right.

On another note, I don’t know what to do with myself. My father has stopped paying for me and my little sister (my parents are seperated) but we have kept contact… a bit. Anyway the whole story is very complicated. Now I have to decide if I face legal aid which is free for me because I’m 18 and a student. I am wondering if I should really bring my dad to court. But he is a manipulator, punishing us for not working for him by not paying pension.

And I feel like a cow. Raped by fat.

Please let me control at least my body.

Bleh

College is starting tomorrow. Communications here I come. All I am worrying about is what I will look like and if I will look like a whale trying to have style. Have you ever seen a stylish whale? If you have, it must have had a really really pretty face. By the way I want to cry because I loved Jack Layton and now he is dead.
Intake today: too much I am ashamed. Maybe I should actually FOLLOW plans I make. I think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Oops.

I dream in blurs of color of endless fields of weeping willows of forest greens of bottom sea blues of endless comfort in walking in floating while covered in feathers and lace and silk

OMG

The feeling I get from this picture is overwhelming. It’s like I’m in it. It’s morning, around 7 or 8, the world is a dreamy tint of pale blue, and the cool breeze hits her legs in places that make you feel so comfortable, wrapped up in a silk blanket that is the wind.
I want to be there. Right there

I feel disgusting, in fact.

But not in a usual, boring, whiny way that I usually feel. More of a complete disgust in myself that makes me want to throw up, disappear, turn into smoke and dissipate. The lovehandles make me feel like I was raped by fat over and over again. litterally RAPED. That’s what’s weird about how I feel, and why it feels different.
Today sucks.

I feel weird today.

And I am ruining my turquoise nailpolish by picking at my chapped lips until they bleed.
I ate a muffin today that’s it and now I’m hungry. I keep walking to the refrigerator and the only thing saving me right now is the lack of easy to make snacks and my lazyness to fix myself something therefore I close the fridge door and walk back to the computer. Thanks, lazyness.
Now I will go take a warm bath.

My friend is so thin

Yesterday I hung out with my 95-pound friend ( 5’2 ) who is naturally thin like this… Her whole family is naturally thin. She has always had a hard time with this because people at school would call her anorexic. Since I know her, being more than 100 has always been a happy goal for her. But after spending the whole day with her trying on bras in the same changing room in front of the mirror, all I could do is compare.
She is perfect. I am huge. She is beautiful. I look horrible.
I am attending a marriage this afternoon, after working for three hours. I am hypoglycemic, so I have to eat something rich in protein and energy to pass this long day… If I go more than two hours without eating I start to shake, sweat and feel like I will pass out. Doesn’t that suck really bad?

.

Look how comfy she looks. How elegant and fragile, how cute. In this position, I would only be thingking about the stretchmarks on my inner thighs, the bulging fat around my knees, my stomach hanging slightly over the elastic band on my underwear, the fat around the back of my hips showing through the shirt.
It’s time to be skinny.

I wish I could smoke.

I could control my weight more easily. But my social surrounding is on the cigarettes suck side of the world and would shun me for smoking. But I just might try someday.

Black coffee. That I can get used to.

Mmmmm.

Light, flowy, creamy coloured, sunkissed things make me feel at home. I dream of comfort in simplicity, in nature, in the freedom of not depending on anything. I want to just live in my head, taking in everything around me, being weightless as a free spirit, roaming around a sunfilled world of soft and calm vibes.
I’m 18, living in the north of north america, in college, loving arts and creative writing. I have a lover, a mother, a sister and a Dog. I live in a subburb near a big city, and I just can’t wait to get to live in said big city. Stress from home is overwhelming, and I just want to be with myself and a new pup in my own place, but money is the issue. I have a dad that won’t pay that I love and hate.

I want and I want and I want, I have a need to be filled, but I don’t know what.

And what if I'm not trying hard enough?

      I'm back, lovelies. I had a shitty until dinner last few days. I always pull it off great until dinner, because I am always eating with SOMEONE. Family, boyfriend, friends... And it's not even about looking suspicious because I am not eating enough, it's more about not being able to help myself, seeing all of those people eating abundantly.

      I really need to find a way to control myself at dinner. It really is the only problem during the day, and it is enough to fuck up any plan for losing weight. I haven't lost since last time because of this. I really have NO IDEA what to do to get rid of this. Help?

      College has been really fun so far! At least something positive. Sincke I've changed programs, I only have five classes (instead of eight!!) so I can take it easy. Yesterday I had no classes at all, which is awesome cause I can sleeeeeeeeeep. Tuesdays I have French Litterature and Art History classes. Later today (at noon) I only have Philosophy. Then tomorrow I only have part 2 of French Litterature. So I,ve been having fun at school, I have a couple of classes with friends which is great. Eating at school is incredibly easy. I mean, I really don't eat all that much. First of all I actually forget to eat, and second of all, the food is disgusting, and nothing is vegetarian. Thanks, cafeteria!

      Anyway, I am starting school at noon, so I'll have a small breakfast, probably granola, strawberries and yogurt all mixed up (soooo good) And then I'll try not to eat until dinner. If I have to, fruit.

      My great dane puppy is snoring and it is the most adorable thing, girls.

      Lots of love,

             -Abigail xox

You've changed, you've changed, you've changed, your mind's been rearranged

      Yeah. These last days have been so-so foodwise. Like, normal. Like what a normal person would eat. I don't like normal, normal is lame. So, anyway, tomorrow I'm starting school once again! Quite excited I must say :) I'm a bit scared of what it will do to me, all of the work and the changing schedule, what it will do to my daily plannings and how I eat. It seemed quite easy until now to eat little, since on vacation I would wake up around 12h00. Yeah, lazy ass, I know. Oh well.

      So I'm planning on eating only fruit until around noon (eating only fruit for breakfast and not eating anything else until lunch is apparently paradise for your level of energy during the rest of the day, so I shall try). Then I will have a small soup, and around dinner I will try having only a plate of salad. Snack wise, only fruit is allowed. This may sound much to some of you stronger girls out there, but I'm only at the beginning and I really have to take baby steps so I don't suffer a face plant...

      Toms is Badminton at 8h00, followed by English Litterature from 10h00 to 1h00. Then I am done! Nice day isn't it:) That gives me plenty of time to study and exercise.

      Lots of love,

            -Abigail xox

Je veux juste être comme toi.

      Hey girlies.
 I'm at 138,7 this morning, yay ! Down of about a pound. Ok ANTM is starting cya haha.

Update:

      Fuck I'm pissed off at myself. I can't get my mind straight. It's like every minute of every day I change my mind about my body. Sometimes I accept it as it is (those are exactly the moments when I intend to eat) and then I am completely discouraged while looking at thinspo and Lookbook. I hate myself so badly for not being in control. I want it soooooooo bad, to be thin, and I have to stop dreaming of it and make it happen instead.

      I want this, I want this terribly. I've been wanting thin since I was 13. It's been four years, and all I have done is gained, except for like a month during which I lost ten pounds. I want to prove to my entourage that I am capable of being responsible and in control of my life.

      When I was thirteen I would speak with my two best friends, well, they would talk together and I would listen, when they would talk about clothing, fashion, beauty, body types... These friends are both tiny and super-thin. They are naturally like this and also have a great control over themselves. They work out to stay fit and have good grades. I would never quite fit in with these two, I would always just listen and be envious, horribly envious. I hate myself so so so much right now, for not starting before, for being the ugly girl, for being the outcast within a world of beauty-filled minds in which I am not included. I'm sick of it all, and I want to be part of it, for once.

      It's time for me to start working for it. Really hard. I want to stop doing nothing and regretting and start working and being proud. I want to be a worthy person. This is not only about portraying a certain image, it's also about being happy about what I am, which I am not right now.

      Toms: B- Yogurt, granola and strawberries mix

                L- Banana, or any as-healthy-as-possible small snack

                D- Lentil shepherd's pie (vegetarian)

         Snack- Any fruit allowed

      Exercise: Usual routine. I want to try doing 15 minutes on the treadmill this time (my cardio SUCKS.) Also, I want to stretch a lot more. So I am giving myself 15 minutes of stretching between my weight routine and my cardio routine to give myself a bit of a break.

      Alright, see you tomorrow ladies! Wish me luck!

     

      Lots of love,

             -Abigail xox

Two birds on a wiiiiiiiiire.

      Hello my (for now..) non-existing darlings,

      So I said I would come back for a recap on my exercise routine which I do about 4 times a week. For the weight lifting, I'm talking about gym machines which I don't know the names, but some that work triceps, biceps, quadriceps, calfs, abs, back, etc... And for the calisthenics, it's mostly the same type of exercises but without weights, on the ground: pushups, situps, etc.  Here it goes:

              Bicycling - 6 min = 95,2 cals

                Rowing - 5 min = 47,6 cals

            Elliptical - 10 min = 113,3 cals

           Treadmill - 10 min = 102 cals

     Weight lifting - 30 min = 204 cals

       Calisthenics - 15 min = 59,5 cals

Playing with dog - 20 min = 90,6 cals

   Knitting (haha) - 45 min = 76,5 cals (surprising!)

                  Total: 788,7 cals

     Whole grain bread X 1 = 90 cals

        Tofu spread X 1 tbsp = 30 cals

      Pizza with cheese X 2 = 240 cals

    Handfull of french fries = 240 cals

                  Total: 600 cals

      Net calorie intake: - 188,7 cals.

      So there you go, calorie intake and all. I hate myself for those two pizza slices, but at least I worked out after and I'm in the negatives ! :) Happy me.

      See you toms,

             - Abigail xox

I have a love/hate relationship with Lookbook.

      And I don't even have an account. Thing is, I love it because the looks and the people are so creative and fun to look at. The people are so inspiring, especially since I want to become a fashion journalist. But I hate Lookbook because I am so envious... Horribly envious. Of the 99% percentage of uber-thin girls that are so, so beautiful. And that's why it is my number 1 thinspo website.

      It seems so ironic to me, yet very fitting that I also want a certificate in feminism. Probably not the feminism you think, more about female body image of society throughout the years. I cannot picture myself as having an ED, at all, actually, because I have never been thin. Even at 118 lbs (5'2) I was chubby. I do constantly think about food, calories, exercising, fat, what I look like, etc. I do constantly feel absolutely horrible when I ate too much. It seems like it's all mental, and nothing is happening on the outside.

      Anyway, so today, I had a piece of toast with tofu spread, and then... two slices of pizza with fries. Gosh, kill me. I'll be hitting the gym like, ASAP. I'll probably have no choice but to eat after the gym, which sucks. I have to because I goddamn have hypoglycemia. (you get really dizzy and weak within like 2 minutes because your sugar is too low). I'll try just chugging on some orange juice, maybe that'll help instead...

      So yeah, I'll be going to the gym now !! I'll do my usual routine, maybe I will post it with the calories burnt when I come back.

               -Abigail xox