Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It's all I think about.

Food. Today I woke up late, around 12 pm, and I had a small bowl of macaroni with tomato sauce. Then, later, I ate three bites of my sister’s bagel.

I went to see my dad and picked up the money he owed my mom and he cried and yelled because we don’t call and he feels like the loneliest person in the world. Then he calmed down and we talked. I was awkward but it all settled.

Then my sister and I went for Chapters to get some books. I got this adorable gold notebook with a black feather in the front page. We came back home and I picked up dinner at my grandma’s which was some fish with boiled carrots and potatoes. I ate almost everything and felt very full so I was proud not to indulge and finish the whole plate, but still felt like crap because I ate alot.

My sister hadn’t eaten dinner yet so she asked me if she wanted to go to the restaurant… I said yes, that I would only have desert. I had too much. I went to the washroom to pee and I just tested my gag reflex, but still being to scared to purge… I kind of made myself nauseous just by doing the mouth shape you do when you puke… Funny eh? I wish purging would be easy and I never got around to it.

What’s also weird is that the waitress, super thin and really hyper, looked and sounded and acted as if she had an ED. She would keep commenting on how our food looked really good, being really conscious about details and everything. Plus, at the end, I said ”can we get the bill please”, and my sister who is stick thin and never gains weight said ”no wait, I want desert”. So the waitress splurted out something like this: ”Oh! You don’t want her to be fat that’s why you asked the bill so quickly haha.”

I recognise these kinds of behaviours now, and it weirds me out as much as it makes me sort of proud…

I’ll go to sleep now. Good night loves, and sorry for the endless rant.

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